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Mick and Murphy - ‘Old School’ Gifts and Nostalgia for Blokes

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10/05/2026

So if you have your seatbelt harness on - and you discover that the new family car has leather heated seats - this is apparently how you travel to get your stomach to a toasty 40 degrees on a cold day -
Yep - he’s worked out how to rest his stomach and fat backside on top of the warmest part of the car seat as winter hits
So the debate is whether he’s genius or seriously mentally impaired ???
Only Murphy ……sigh

03/05/2026

Hi - I’m Murphy from up the road - my owners left me at home while THEY WENT TO THE HOT SPRINGS WITHOUT ME - will you adopt me ???

Sighhhhh- so I try one night of romance - adult spa booked - dog fed - but as we got ready I could feel his eyes on me - that ‘what the hell ‘ energy seeping from every shaggy fibre .

As we walked out to the car I could see the eyes narrow a his golden brain ticked over ‘ there going somewhere great without me ‘

We arrive at the spa - luxury - romance - phone in a locker - 10 minutes of peace . Then my watch starts going - notification after notification - I look down and see a photo of his ugly great head . The golden moron has let himself out ( which he never does ) and taken himself for a walk - eventually ending up in dog jail ( the emergency vet clinic) after his ugly head was plastered all over Facebook .

So it’s get dressed straight away - leave hot springs - drive to vet - and rescue crap head who had a look of ‘ well don’t leave me at home alone again ‘ on his face

Will anyone swap him for a cat - and a big thank you to the guys that found him - it might have taken a while but I would have missed him eventually

20/04/2026

The look of pure terror - so anyone who knows Murphy knows he is a VERY relaxed car traveller . Normal travel positions involve lounging on the front seat like royalty - his great fat head normally hanging out a window - while eyes are half shut blissfully taking in the fresh air ……so my youngest - miss 18 - finally gets her licence this week- and decides to pick up Murphy and take him for a drive . I then get sent this photo from the maccas drive through - I swear it’s the first time ever I have seen the look of abject terror on his face - somehow he’s got two seatbelts on - and has an expression on his face that says ‘ holy s**t who gave her a licence ‘. So if you’re driving along - and see a massive great fat golden retriever trying to blink S.O.S at you at the traffic lights - it’s only an overly dramatic Murphy wondering how he became the responsible adult .

06/04/2026

Yep - the look of shame . So he’s in trouble …..yet again . I understand that his best friend is a pit bull - and that he wrestles with a mountain dog called bear - but a tiny bit of restraint would have been great when meeting ‘Bruce’ Miss Mel’s families’ little white fluffy dog .
So let’s start our recap …..Murphy meets Bruce - who is being carried into the house by the long suffering Mel. Straight away for -reasons that defy any kind of explanation - Murphy decides to hump both Mel and the increasingly anxious Bruce like the energiser bunny on acid . I disentangle them all and Bruce gets put on the ground - Murphy gets that slightly perplexed look he gets - brain clearly in neutral - and launches into wrestling theatrics worthy of a deranged WWF fighter . Poor Bruce is now madly hoping someone has a tranquilliser dart nearby on hand .
In desperation I suggest going to neutral ground at the dog park - so off we go . One of them walks quietly when we get there - the other chases rabbits , rolls in a dead unmentionable ‘thing ‘ launches into the bushes after a galah - and bizarrely growls dementedly at a dead branch until he’s dragged away - you guess which dog does what ……sigh .
By this stage poor Bruce is in near catatonic shock having been exposed to a clearly mentally challenged emotionally damaged Murphy . So we get into separate cars Bruce goes home - Murphy to the Dog Wash because he now STINKS -
I do not think that went well

31/03/2026

Exhausted- almost angelic - but I swear to god I’m going to trade him in on a cat - so today’s new found adventure - pier jumping .
So it’s a beautiful sunny day today - we went for a drive to San Remo while I show Miss Mel the Peninsula . On arrival it’s ‘have a nice romantic walk along the pier time ‘- in the sunshine - with my quiet settled dog . Yes there are a few kids jumping off the pier into the water - but it’s up high and he’s in sloth mode .
Now the sun was out - I was relaxed - so I missed it - I missed the dog facial expression change from angelic to demonic . The young guy swimming and encouraging his mates to jump in didn’t miss it though when there was 41kg of flying golden retriever coming his way . Yep fat boy launched himself the 8-10 ft drop and landed almost directly on top of the poor kid - and what’s more decided to swim in circles refusing to come to the side so I could grab his demented scruffy neck .
Eventually he was ‘rescued’ and of course it’s like hauling a truck as I try and drag him away from his new found entertainment - so it’s him in the car sulking - Miss Mel desperately scrolling for non dog owners on tinder- and me questioning life choices - another day hey in Murphy land .

24/03/2026

What the actual f..k. Betrayed - abandoned - sold out for a fluffy dog bed and a hilux .

So this is this mornings adoring photo of Murphy - lovingly lying in bed - feeling secure in his world - living his best life - BUT NOT WITH ME - listen you golden drooling fleabag - I’ve raised you since a puppy - this is NOT how it works .

So 48 hours ago Mel arrives at my place with a giant fluffy dog bed - complete with concealed treats - round one to her as he now lies there like Prince Andrew in a girls school . THEN she has a hilux with high back seats - not a boring commodore - so fat boy can see from elevated heights over his domain - and bark his order directly into the MacDonalds Magic Speaker that produces the sausage patties -

The end result - I am now superfluous to his world - he follows Mel around like a lost child - and in the rare moment where he now wants to come onto the bed IM THE ONE ON THE COUCH

I hate my dog - and does anyone have an unused tinder subscription I can use

20/03/2026

So what’s been happening in our lives - well we are having a few issues . According to Murphy I have utterly destroyed his life by bringing a pet human home . He is now forced to share HIS bed space with the beautiful Miss Mel . So at night he sits at the end of the bed just staring and waiting ( not at all creepy hey ) and the minute there is more than 10 centimetres of space between Mel and I - he pounces- and inserts all 41.5kg of himself in between us . No small curling up - he stretches ALL of him out till he’s nearly the same size as Mel - and proceeds to shuffle backwards claiming more and more space for himself - efforts to remove him he met with a cry - whimper - bark - and absolute dead weight . If I try and kick him out of the room - he barks and howls . I bought a dog bed - he simply looked at Mel - looked at the bed - and did the golden retriever look that says ‘congratulations that’s your bed ‘He’ll shuffle so much Mel gets out and swaps sides - leaving me squashed between them . And don’t even mention attempts at romance - utterly impossible under the demented stare of the golden moron waiting for bed space - so it’s celibacy for me - bed for him - and a Mel questioning her dating choices - another day in Murphy land 😭

13/03/2026

So…after a massive life reset we are back in business - and today’s adventure was just too good to not share . Murphy is back to a solo dog - and spends his days sprawled at the entrance to the new shop . He is also currently in the sin bin …big time - why you may ask - well today he decided to get frisky with ……a dachshund ….and not any dachshund - but a miniature . So I look up and see 42kg of Murphy hu***ng for all it’s worth on top of Miss Layla the dachshund. Now poor Miss Layla is very traumatised- and not just a little bit confused by all this as there is a clear 2 feet of open air between Murphy and her . I’m pretty sure she walked out - circled - and walked back under him in an effort to work out what the hell he was doing . Holding Miss Layla’s lead is a lovely lady who is utterly comatose with shock - she can barely mouth ‘help me ‘ no doubt picturing tiny ultra stupid long retriever puppies -‘ I try and rescue both of them from the golden humper - while pointing out the physical impossibility of their romance - Murphy would have had to lie on the ground sideways- still it’s nice to know things haven’t improved as he’s aged - just another day in Murphy Land

13/05/2025

Oh man. Temptation - and an update .

So my lovely Aunt has recently started coming down with dementia . After lots of planning the dog that has been way too much for her ( according to her ) is ready to be picked up .

Over I go . It’s all organised - flights , transport . I pick it up off the ground to give it a cuddle and she walks away for a minute .

Literally 30 seconds goes past when she returns and sees me holding the dog .

She is the over the moon “ Michael you did it - you bought me the dog I always wanted “

Wait….what …huh. Hold the phone

Soooooooooo….she thinks the dog is a new one I brought over - quick as flash she calls it ‘Rosie ‘ and serenely cuddles a golden retriever puppy that is clearly thinking
“What the actual f..k”

Then she says “ they are about 6000.00 - let me give you the cash “ and off she goes to get a wad of 50’s

It was sooooooooooooooo tempting. I had a financial plan. I could do this every second day and make a killing . I could retire simply selling the same puppy over and over 😇

Unfortunately the angel side sort of won and I declined. I did point out how amazing a nephew I was though in case of future will modifications😂😂

So I left …out of pocket for dog airfare and my airfare . While she serenely cuddled a puppy that was more confused than me

We have friends checking in on them both - until the next unbelievable instalment 😂

05/05/2025

So ….I’ve used up my last appeal . I’ve spent all weekend hoping that an ‘expert’ would tell everyone that a bitch of a puppy with a bad attitude would be ideal for my Aunt . All to no avail .

So the countdown to the end of my life is on . I’ve broken the news to Murphy that he’s getting a sister - he’s in shock . I’ve measured my bed and resigned myself to being very single for at least the next 12 years .

Anything valuable is being stored six feet off the ground - I’ve started taking every legal and illegal drug I can find and …….it is getting ready to arrive .

So at some stage in the next week my quiet manageable life gets turned upside down with the arrival of “the puppy “ who I am tentatively calling ‘Feral Cheryl’

I thought everything was going along too calmly and quietly in my life

Wish me luck …the monster is on its way

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