05/08/2026
Dear Muslims of the United Kingdom,
My family and I have decided to relocate to a Muslim country. We have not yet settled on which one; we are still comparing the benefits packages.
Naturally, all our neighbours wish to come as well. And their neighbours. And their friends. And their friends’ friends. Before long, a substantial portion of Britain will be arriving with suitcases and a quietly confident expectation of accommodation.
As a large Christian community, we will require a few modest adjustments:
Please begin constructing churches at once. Proper ones, with bells. Loud bells.
Certain streets will need to be closed once a year for our processions. Rest assured, it is not five times daily — we are not unreasonable.
Every supermarket must stock proper pork, bacon, sausages, and baked beans. We will be a minority, so you will simply have to show understanding and make room for our way of life.
We are bringing the dogs. Expect many cheerful Labradors depositing their contributions on your pavements. You will need dog parks, and you will need to smile while we walk them past your mosques.
While we are on the subject, your religious holidays are rather… intense. They risk offending the Christian community, so we would appreciate it if you could quietly scale them back. Thank you.
In schools and workplaces, our children and staff must be free to wear large crucifixes, eat ham sandwiches in the canteen, and generally express Christian identity without anyone becoming distressed. We also require prayer rooms in every building, along with translators, because learning Arabic feels like rather a lot of effort.
Should any of these requests be declined, kindly provide a list of police station addresses so we may report you for discrimination, Christianophobia, and general unpleasantness.
One further point: if my children burn your flag because England has won at football, please remain understanding. I shall give them a firm talking-to. Possibly even make them write “sorry” fifty times.
Finally, we would like generous benefits, free housing, and a modest allowance while we “integrate” over the next three generations. Work is optional, of course. We also intend to drink alcohol and occasionally wager on the horses. And in fine weather we like to go topless. Please bear with us. You will adjust.
We appreciate your tolerance in advance. After all, diversity is our strength.
Yours faithfully,
A Very Reasonable Christian
