06/24/2026
I'm sharing this in the hope that it might free another parent who is carrying the same crushing guilt I carried for months. The kind of guilt that spiraled into severe PPA, PPD, and PPP with auditory hallucinations.
I breastfed my first child until he self-weaned at 4. My second nursed until 3. We tandem nursed for 2 years. I never had supply issues. Neither of my older children ever had a bottle or a drop of formula.
Naturally, I expected the same journey with my third.
But around 35 weeks, he stopped growing. He had a difficult birth, needed oxygen for several days, and then lost more than a pound during his first week of life.
I became desperate to make breastfeeding work.
I spent $600 on a tongue and lip tie release. Hundreds more on supplements, vitamins, and lactation products. When direct nursing wasn't working, I tried exclusively pumping. I invested in the "best" pumps, made sure my fl**ge sizes were perfectly fitted, and did everything I could think of, despite knowing my body has never responded well to a pump.
Immersed in breastfeeding culture, the message I internalized was simple: try harder, push through, trust the process.
So when I finally had to switch to bottles and formula, I felt like a complete failure.
I hated myself.
Recently, he underwent an echocardiogram because a serious structural heart defect runs in my family. Many of the symptoms include feeding difficulties, poor weight gain, and fatigue.
The echocardiogram revealed a different structural heart defect. The original concern is still being investigated because doctors were unable to visualize everything they needed. Both conditions share many of the same symptoms.
What I learned changed everything.
For a healthy baby, breastfeeding is a normal workout.
For a baby with this heart condition, breastfeeding can be like trying to run a marathon while breathing through a straw.
He simply did not have the cardiac stamina to nurse effectively. He was burning more calories trying to get milk than he was receiving. That's why he lost so much weight. That's why he was always exhausted.
I still struggle to say this, but switching to a bottle and formula was not a failure.
It was a medical intervention.
It gave him the easy, accessible calories his body desperately needed. It likely protected him from severe dehydration, Failure to Thrive, and pushing his heart beyond what it could safely handle.
I wish I could afford donor milk. I wish exclusive pumping had worked for me. I still wrestle with those feelings.
But I now understand something I didn't before.
Breastfeeding is beautiful. It remains one of the most meaningful things I've ever done. Nursing my older children for years made me incredibly proud.
But I also became deeply immersed in "lactivist" culture.
If I'm being honest, I judged people.
I thought they just didn't try hard enough.
Then I became one of those people.
And I hated myself even more for the judgments I had once made.
The support found in breastfeeding communities can be wonderful. But please remember that there are hidden medical realities that no amount of effort can overcome. Sometimes the obstacle isn't a lack of commitment. Sometimes a baby's body simply cannot do what we hoped it could.
If your intuition tells you something isn't right, listen to it.
If your feeding journey doesn't look the way you imagined, despite giving it everything you have, give yourself grace.
Sometimes the pivot is the thing that saves them.
And sometimes it saves you too.
This is my baby boy. He will very likely need heart surgery within the next few months. We are currently waiting for additional testing for the second structural defect, which I strongly believe is also present.
If you've made it this far, thank you for reading.
I wanted to share our story, my ignorance, my heartbreak, and what I've learned:
Sometimes it isn't about trying harder.
Sometimes love looks like letting go of the plan and giving your child exactly what they need. 💚🫀🫶🏻
He is wearing a diaper. He loves ocean animals, and this is part of his collection.
