23/03/2026
Nineteen-year-old Kane “T-Dog”, no last name given, sat on the curb of a dusty cul-de-sac in Rokeby, looking like a man who had lost his last winnie blue. Behind him leaned his prized possession: a 2021 Kawasaki dirt bike with the VIN filed down so smooth it felt like silk.
In front of him stood a weary reporter from The Hobart Mockery, holding a notepad and trying to avoid stepping in a patch of scorched asphalt.
"It’s a bloody human rights violation, mate," Kane said, gesturing wildly at the bike. "Look at her. She’s parched. Bone dry. I haven't heard that engine scream in two weeks."
The reporter, Dave, scribbled 'Subject claims emotional distress' before looking up. "And you're saying the issue isn't that you can't afford petrol, it's that... nobody else can?"
"Ex-bloody-actly," Kane spat. "Usually, I just do a quick rounds at night, yeah? A bit of garden hose magic, a five-litre jerry can, and I’m doing mono's down Tollard Drive by sunrise. But these days? I’m sucking air. I hit six Commodores and a HiAce last night, and I didn't even get enough to quarter fill a lawnmower."
Kane explained that the "cost of fuel crisis" had hit the local siphoning industry harder than the 2008 crash. With petrol prices hovering at record highs, his neighbours were living "vapour to vapour."
"People are guarding their fuel flaps like it’s the Crown Jewels," Tyson lamented. "I saw a bloke in Knopwood Street had put a padlock on his tank. A padlock! In this community? Where’s the trust gone?"
A Call for Government Intervention
When asked what he thought the solution was, Kane didn't hesitate. He’d clearly given this a lot of thought while walking—actually walking—to the chemist earlier that day, for his dad's methadone.
Fuel Subsidies for Youth: "The government gives out vouchers for back-to-school gear, right? Why not back-to-riding gear? I need a Fuel Card that isn't linked to a name."
"The council should leave a couple of unlocked drums behind the Skate Park. For the 'disadvantaged athletes' of the area."
"The Only Victim Here is Me"
As the interview wrapped up, Kane patted the seat of the Kawasaki. He ignored the fact that the bike technically belonged to a confused dental hygienist in Sandy Bay.
"I’m just a young entrepreneur being stifled by the economy," he said, staring off toward the Tasman Bridge with a look of faux-profound sadness. "If Albo or the Premier don't step in soon, I might have to do the unthinkable."
Dave paused his pen. "What’s that, Kane? Get a job?"
Kane looked at him with genuine horror. "No, mate. I'll have to steal a mountain bike. Do you know how hard it is to look 'fully sick' while pedaling? It’s undignified."
