21/12/2025
Things England could do to help them avoid a whitewash XI
1. Find an opener that won't play dumb shots in the first couple of overs
Patient opening bat who watches highlights of 2013 Chris Rogers in their spare time. Capable of leaving a ball in the 6th stump line early in the innings instead of poking the bat out for a bit of fun and feeding the slips cordon.
2. Spend a few days in Bali before boxing day
Adventurous opening bat who barely makes a run but is the first to suggest kickons. Spent a few days in Noosa which didn't help them prepare for the Adelaide test but a few days in Nusa Lembongan might help them prepare for Boxing day.
3. Run a conclave to find a replacement at first-drop for Ollie Pope (c)
Selected as the rock of the side but makes the cardinal sin of knicking one to slips early in every innings. In a dry spell of biblical proportions that hasn't been seen since Moses parted the Red Sea.
4. Find a way to make Pat Cummins unavailable for the next two tests to give Joe Root a chance at another century
Prolific #4 who might go on to make the most Test runs of all time but unfortunately is only human and cannot resist the temptation to waft the bat out when Pat Cummins puts the ball in the channel outside off.
5. Make Harry Brook wear an electric shock collar that buzzes every time he thinks of doing something stupid
Electric #5 that is widely described as a generational talent but seems to get to about 30 runs every innings and give away his wicket in such a ridiculous fashion that you can only assume he had the bowler in secret santa.
6. Wear earplugs at the crease to block out Marnus's sledging
Stoic batter who tries to act like a member of the slips cordon naming the ingredients of 'The Works' burger doesn't faze them, but given the ever-mounting pressure they are under it may be just enough for them to hit breaking point.
7. Get Jamie Smith to walk into a hotel pool and hope it has the same effect as it did for Alex Carey (wk)
Frustrating glovesman who has showed he can hit a ball but hasn't quite made a splash yet in Australia. Would surely do anything to string together some consistent runs and get some more confidence behind the stumps.
8. Consider that Will Jacks might not be a Test level spinner
Part-time offie who is handy with the bat but you'd have to question how they could be picked as the frontline spinner in a nation of over 50 million people that invented the sport of cricket.
9. Change their entire cricketing philosophy from Bazball to following the Fox Playbook verbatim
Nerdy all-rounder who brings an A6 notepad on the field containing 3 dot points of each batter and bowlers' strengths and weaknesses. Would be the nuclear option to take the reigns but the side could probably do worse.
10. Get Jofra to show the top order how to dig in and score a few runs
Increasingly agitated number 10 who is forced to get most of the team's wickets then front up with the blade before he's had enough time on his pillow to get through a REM cycle of rest.
11. Consider whether winning test matches in Australia is less about being "strong" or "weak" men and more about being able to cash in for some runs when you get your eye in and take your chances when your bowlers create them
Self-actualising cricketer who doesn't see the need to physically prepare to play good Test cricket because they've meticulously prepared a dominant attitude that will simply override the fatal flaws of their batters and the inability of anyone except Zac Crawley to take difficult chances in the field.
12. Hope it rains for a few days in Sydney between January 4th-8th
Handy 12th man with runs on the board who is ready to go if all else fails.
