09/06/2026
TW: Eating disorders
I genuinely have a memory of being disappointed that I couldn’t bring myself to be bulimic. Like I wasn’t strong enough to have a “proper” eating disorder so I could just be thin.
So instead I developed other eating disorders that I didn’t recognise until later in life. I thought they were normal ways of being. They were “healthy”.
I was so proud when I got myself to regularly consume 600 -700 calories a day. I could not miss a day of exercise incase I couldn’t start back up again. I was always “just 5 more kilos away” from my goal weight (which was always shifting).
Despite all of this I was still overweight according to my doctor at the time. Even when I got pregnant I was advised to not put on more than 10kg for the whole of my pregnancy because I had a high BMI. I worked out with a PT 3 times a week, ran every day and weighed 72kg at that point.
I wish I’d known each plateau was probably my body going “hey, I think we’ve reached a good point here” and not punished it even more.
I wish I could have just enjoyed the body I had and not seen it as a constant failure to achieve my goals.
I wish I’d been less scared and ashamed of being the “bigger friend” because there was honestly nothing to be ashamed about.
This is always my why, with this account. With , with the articles I write and put out in the world. I missed all the signs. Everyone did.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to take care of your body. You don’t have to love it deeply all the time, or even at all. But if the behaviours you’re calling healthy are stepping over into compulsive, fearful or obsessive then they’re not healthy any more and you could be doing more damage to yourself, and those around you than you realise.
Be kind, be mindful and always remember health doesn’t have a dress size or a calorie count. There is more than one way to be unhealthy ❤️