15/04/2016
The Horse Owner's Manual.
Revised Edition.
Copyright Chris Rosman 2016
Section 1: Acquisition
1.1
A person may not own a horse, unless they have spent 7 or more minutes around one. Studies have shown that 7 minutes is the minimum amount of time a person requires to become an expert on horse ownership.
1.2
If your new horse does not bond with you after you sit in its paddock for 30 minutes, you bought the wrong horse.
1.3
When viewing a potential new horse for the first time, look carefully at how pretty the horse's mane is, and touch your chin a lot. This will demonstrate to the seller that you actually do know what you are looking at.
1.4
When someone comes to view a horse that you are selling, be sure to inform the potential buyer exactly how perfect your horse is. This makes it so much easier to make stuff up when they jump on and your horse forgets how to horse. Phrases such as "Oh she's just a bit sore today because we were jumping 3.4m jumps all day yesterday", and "Wow, I've never seen him do that before! You must ride in an unusual way!" tend to work well.
Section 2: Riding Attire
2.1
No, those jodhpurs don't make your bum look big. Your bum IS big.
2.2
Riding without a helmet is only advisable once you have successfully grown an exoskeleton over your skull.
2.3
The more expensive your riding outfit, the better the rider you will be.
Section 3: Maintenance of your Horse
3.1
"Clipping" your horse in elaborate patterns really does strengthen the disgust your horse has in you.
3.2
Your horse will show its appreciation for your time and effort in washing it, with a roll in the closest dirt or mud patch.
3.3
Purple Shampoo will stain your horse purple.
Yellow shampoo will stain your horse yellow.
Tomato sauce will bleach your horse blinding white.
Section 4: Feeding Your Horse
4.1
Any new feeds that you buy for your horse will be met with enthusiasm, inversely proportional to the cost of the feed. Cheaper, and nutritionally poor feeds will be readily eaten, whilst more expensive, well balanced feeds will not be tolerated well at all.
4.2
It is important to tell your horse that it can eat anything it wants to. As soon as you have something you do not want the horse to eat, it will do anything, and everything, to ensure that it eats it.
4.3
Your horse will act starved, and malnourished when you are at the paddock. The greener your pasture, the more starved and malnourished your horse will act.
4.4
If you have any unknown weeds in your paddock at all, your horse WILL eat them. This WILL cause colic, and general malaise.
Section 5: Horse Health
5.1
From time to time, your horse will become unwell. Your horse is pre-programmed for this to occur on Sunday mornings, Public Holidays, and after 10pm.
There is only 1 (one) way to rectify this situation. That is to call the emergency veterinarian. Approximately 6 minutes prior to the vet arriving, your horse will be completely cured.
This is part of a built in system, called the "Fund Minimisation System" or FMS for short. The FMS is a complicated system, that oversees many of your horse's functions.
5.2
If your horse is displaying signs of an itchy rear end, then your horse has a heavy worm burden. The only way to deal with a heavy worm burden is to either call a saddle fitter, or treat the horse for ulcers by calling an equine dentist.
5.3
If your horse displays symptoms of being lame, it has ulcers.
If your horse "bucks" or "pigroots", it has ulcers.
If your horse has worms, it has ulcers.
If your horse hasn't had its teeth done in the last 12 months, it has ulcers.
If your horse is in any way "not normal" it has ulcers.
The only effective way to treat ulcers is to get a saddle fitter out to your horse, or call an equine dentist.
5.4
If you believe that your saddle does not fit your horse well, and may be causing discomfort, you need to feed it turmeric in large quantities immediately, or your horse may die.
5.5
Many horse owners supplement their horses' diets with various oils and herbs. Facebook is the only reliable and safe place to get accurate information on what is safe, and what is not. Below is a list of common supplements, and the Facebook experts' view on them.
Rice Bran Oil – This oil is only safe to feed on Tuesdays and Fridays, unless that Tuesday or Friday is the 7th of a month. If this is the case, Rice Bran Oil is very dangerous to add to your
horse's feed, as it will cause your horse to explode.
Vegemite – This versatile breakfast spread is very effective in removing sarcoids, providing the sarcoid has not been there for more that 6 minutes, AND your horse is fed porterhouse steak at least 3 times a week.
Turmeric – This orange powder will cause your horse to whinny with an Indian accent. Great for parties, and as a conversation starter at pony club.
Section 6: Naming your horse.
6.1
Most horses will have 2 names. A paddock name, and a show name. The show name is one that nobody will ever remember, least of all the horse.
6.2
If you have your horse's name embroidered onto any of its gear, that gear will inevitably be loaned to another equestrian, and never be seen again. Embroidering horse names on gear just confuses the horse that ends up wearing it, unless the horse's name is Steve.
6.3
Any new horse that requires a new name, shall be named Steve. Should a horse owner already have a horse named Steve, then numerical suffixes must be added. Eg: Steve 1, Steve 2 etc.
In the case of the nameless horse being a mare, 2 options are available to the horse owner.
Option 1. Sell the mare and buy a stallion or gelding. Name the replacement horse Steve.
Option 2. Name the mare Steve anyway.
Section 7: Horse Training
7.1
Once you have owned your new horse for a short period of time, you will discover that it requires some re-training, as it simply does not listen to every command when you ride it.
There are 2 avenues a horse owner can travel when seeking to have a horse re-trained.
The temporary fix, or the permanent fix.
The temporary fix requires your horse to be stabled, and cared for at the trainer's property. This is the most expensive method, however, your horse will behave perfectly the entire time it is there.
Upon returning to your paddock, the temporary fixes, instilled by the expensive expert will wear off.
The permanent fix requires a less expensive, and somewhat less experienced horse trainer to visit your horse at your paddock. The trainer will complain that your horse has more problems than they first thought, and that the current level of behaviour is now permanent.
Horse owners that take this second, permanent option, are advised to refer to Section 1, Paragraph 4 of this manual.
Section 8: Dressing Your Horse
8.1
Any horse that is purchased without gear, therefore forcing the owner to decide on tack colour, should be dressed in black, brown, purple and aqua, provided that the horse is male or female. All previously mentioned colours must be displayed on the horse, as matchy matchy is cruel and expensive.
Pink is cruel.
Yellow is Very cruel.
Orange will confuse your horse, and it may explode.
The exception to this rule is if your horse is a Unicorn, in which case, all adornments must be either gold or rainbow.
Note: This document is copyright to myself, Chris Rosman, 2016.
