07/10/2026
Accept the quest!
[SYSTEM MARQUEE EVENT: THE GODDAMN PRE-ORDER QUEST!]
NEW QUEST RECEIVED!
Quest Name: The Paper-Cuts of Destiny, Volume Two: Planet 42 Boogaloo.
Quest Giver: The Dungeon Corporate Overlords (specifically, the Matt Dinniman Merch Extortion Division).
Description:
Listen up, Crawlers. Carl and Princess Donut have survived the mud, the blood, the multi-headed hydras, and the sheer, unadulterated bu****it of the lower floors. But now, a new, even more terrifying threat has emerged from the outer cosmos: Missing out on the physical media drop.
You need to navigate your meat-sacks over to the intergalactic terminal known to the ancients as www.planet42comics.com. Your mission? Secure a pre-order for Volume Two of the Dungeon Crawler Carl Graphic Novel.
Why? Because the art is spectacular, you can actually see the definition in Carl’s thighs, and quite frankly, Princess Donut will literally murder an entire floor of innocent goblins if she doesn’t get her royal countenance printed on high-gloss, archival-quality paper.
Carl: "Goddammit, Donut. We’re in the middle of a boss fight. Why are we ordering comic books?"
Donut : "It’s NOT a comic book, Carl! It’s a graphic novel! And Mongo is very invested in the artistic direction of the second volume. He says the line-work on your chest hair is exquisite. Now give me your credit card, you giant ape, before the special editions sell out!"
Objectives:
1. Open your data-slate or terminal and input the coordinates: www.planet42comics.com
2. Locate the pre-order beacon for Dungeon Crawler Carl: Graphic Novel, Volume Two.
3. Surrender your Earth-currency (or whatever credits you have left after paying your housing tax).
4. Do NOT let the AI see you looking at the Carl feet-pics sections. (It will get... weird).
Quest Rewards:
1x Physical Copy of Volume Two (Shipped directly to your surface-world bunker or immediate next-of-kin when ready).
Princess Donut’s Temporary Approval: Increases your Charisma by +1 for exactly twelve seconds, or until she remembers you aren’t wearing pants.
The "Support the Creator" Buff: Grants the author, Matt Dinniman, enough sustenance to continue writing your inevitable, horrific demises.
Failure Conditions:
You wait too long and the scalper-bots take them all.
You accidentally buy a graphic novel about a sentient piece of toast instead.
You die before it ships. (If you die, your pre-order will be liquidated into the AI’s personal collection. It likes the smell of fresh ink.)
Do you accept? (Too bad, you don't have a choice. Go buy the book.)
