15/07/2025
I unexpectedly saw this photo for the first time the other day even though it was taken over 30 years ago. And not gonna lie, I wasn’t prepared for its impact . Because from the tsunami of emotions that blindsided me in that moment, I emerged feeling shaken, unsteady and more than a little vulnerable.
For context, it was taken in the early 90s in a garden in Bordeaux. Himself and myself were in our early twenties and were interrailing together - and nope, I don’t miss the irony that 2 of our sons are getting ready to do the same in a few short weeks. We began in Paris and before heading to Provence, stayed 2 nights with Himself’s lovely cousin who was married there with two small children. They made us so welcome- we explored the area, were fed and watered, saved our pennies and enjoyed a comfy bed for a few nights.
Unbelievably, we were actually engaged for 6 months at this point, while still at university, madness looking back and yet it had felt completely right.
I’d forgotten all of this until I saw this photo and then it all flooded back. I’d also forgotten how very overweight I was, and how ashamed and self conscious that made me feel every minute of every day. I’d forgotten how hot it was travelling around Europe long before air conditioning was a thing and how hard it was to get summer clothes to fit me for the trip. I’d forgotten how walking any distance made me uncomfortable, sweaty and irritable and how much I stood out because of my size- how huge and ginger and white I’d felt amidst the olive skinned bikini clad Mediterranean beauties all around me. And I’d forgotten the judgement in so many people’s eyes around that time- friends, family, strangers-this was not new to me. I knew that they wondered what on earth my handsome bf saw in me and the truth is that I didn’t blame them-sure I’d wondered it myself.
And yet, when I looked into his eyes I saw only love. I know that sounds trite and perhaps overly simple but it’s just how it was. You see, with hindsight, I know that at this point in our relationship I’d already done EVERYTHING I could to push him away. Albeit unconsciously, I’d tested him to the limits perhaps so that I’d be proven right, and yes indeed, turns out I WAS unlovable after all.
Plot twist, It didn’t work. Because somehow he thought HE’D won the lottery and loved all of me unconditionally until eventually I learned how to love myself. The doubts, quirks, moods and drama, the passion, dreams, plans and adventures -he signed up for all of it and then some. And Reader, I married him. 😂
So I guess the moral of the story is don’t judge a book by its cover, a lifetime by a single photo or a little girl who’s lost herself in a body that’s too big for her. But oh, if only I’d realised then that knowing your worth is the key no matter how oversized, battered, wrinkly or old that packaging is, and honestly the people in your life who really matter won’t give a f**k about the packaging anyway.
