01/05/2025
I have this photograph by my desk, it’s a 20 something me, in New Zealand, 12,000 miles away from home, living a pretty good life. Despite earning a degree in Illustration out there, my tutor had told me I wasn’t meant to be an illustrator, I had no style and he didn’t know where to ‘put’ me, feeling like I didn’t belong in that world, I began my career as a librarian!
What you can’t see behind that smile is me feeling utterly heartbroken by someone who I loved deeply but didn’t love me back and because I was at what I thought was one of my loneliest points, I was also about to embark on a relationship that I thought I might actually die in.
Nearly 4 years later I had to come home and start over. I had zero confidence, zero direction and no idea of how I was going to put my life back together.
I wish I could go back in time and give that girl a hug. I would tell her that despite everything she was going to go through, it was all going to work out ok. She would heal from the heartbreak and the bruises, she’d meet a man who would restore in her everything she thought she’d lost and more. She’d be blessed with 3 beautiful daughters who would become the light of her life and make her proud every single day. She’d get to love a big hairy walking carpet of a dog and several deeply silly and sarcastic cats. She was in fact going to create for herself a lovely life that she would feel eternally grateful for.
And…she would find the confidence to call herself an Illustrator!
The path I have walked to get to this moment has been difficult, challenging and at some points, really painful. I gave up on my art and myself on several occasions. But, perspective is a great thing. Looking back to that version of me, knowing how broken I would become, and seeing where I am now is kind of crazy! Now, I get draw everyday, people I don’t know love my work enough that they spend their hard earned money on it and gift it to others, what a privilege that is! 20 something me could never ever had envisioned that for herself.
I still get huge imposter syndrome, still feel like I don’t belong, still doubt myself and worry about what the future holds, but I know I’ll be ok.