18/12/2021
Ive had a huge response from my syston pay it forward and most of the messages ive received since doing it have been "its such a wonderful thing to do...but why?"
So, let me go in to more depth about why
So my name is Nikki and I am a professional singer from syston. I used to work in the NHS for many years but came out of it to folllow my dreams in singing.
I have suffered from anxiety all my adult life mainly health anxiety, but also stemming in to manic and low phases and OCD. But I would always class myself as high functioning because I was able to hold down a job and look after my family and carry on doing all the normal things that I took for granted in life.
In the summer this year I started to realise that my panic attacks were getting more frequent and it seemed to be after I had been and did an amazing gig I would panic for no apparent reason.
August came around and it was time to go on a well deserved and much looked forward to holiday with my children just me and them and whilst I was there I had a breakdown, not due to my children! Just life has gotten on top of me and my panic attacks were constant and I got to a point where I actually wanted to die and I'm not ashamed to say it because that is how I felt. I ended up in hospital in Ibiza and the doctor there gave me xanax Literally just to calm me down to get home.
Fast forward getting home, I was still spiralling and couldn't leave the house couldn't go to work, couldn't sleep couldnt eat and having frequent suicidal thoughts. I ended up in hospital and that was the start of my recovery I knew that something needed to give and I needed to get myself back on track again. So I started self-help with CBT and slowly getting back out there again, meditating and taking the time to listen to my thoughts and body.. but also knowing my limitations.
Whilst all this was going on I had a wonderful family and friends behind me and even strangers that didn't really know me that had added me on Facebook due to business or circumstances contact me frequently to see if I was okay to see if I needed anything and I had close family Who stopped with me every night because my nights were a living nightmare and just to be there with me to comfort me even if they couldn't know what to do!
On the surface of everything I appeared to have everything going for me I have wonderful children and I wonderful job wonderful friends and family and a cheeky bubbly personality... but my chemicals in my brain just decided that I couldn't cope.
So why? I believe everybody is just one paycheque, one chemical imbalancement, One life changing diagnosis away from hardship and when I use the word hardship I don't necessarily mean penny less I just mean are having to deal with stuff in life that people don't deserve to deal with. And I just wanted to help as many families as I could possible to put a smile on their face for Christmas because so many people that I thought were basically strangers in my life Reached out and tried to make sure I was okay and actually, Some of the strangers did more and cared morethan people who were supposedly very close to me.
So, now I am in recovery (thats a long battle) I wanted to do something which made my heart feel full and alive again and definitely seeing faces of the mums who have been in total shock, who have cried on the doorstep and hugged me For my random acts of kindness made it all worthwhile for me.
The pictures I have posted are of me and my beautiful family and what the mental illness did to me… And also how I look now that I am in recovery, so if you feel like you can't go on any longer please take a look at this post and realise it is possible to overcome those thoughts of sadness and darkness.
And once again I would just like to thank the whole community of Syston who joined in to make this possible, and I really hope that Christmas morning those that contributed also have a heart that feels full of happiness knowing that you also did a random act of kindness.
All my love and Merry Christmas
Nikki x
