I write

15/06/2026

And surely I would rather feel that terrifying anxiety to hold your hand just one more time...

I'd been selfish and kept asking,
just one more time...
But I knew the pain was unbearable for you,
And for me too,
It was slowly breaking my heart...

Until there was no more---
no more "one more time".

Maybe love couldn't really save you;
Or maybe that was love sparing you-
of the painful and cruel days,
of the cold and lonely nights.

I hope it was love you heard before you left us.
I hope it was love you felt before your body finally gave up.
I hope it was love you saw before your eyes, which used to be brightest, closed-
and never lit up again.

I hope it was love you carried as you fly across the rainbow bridge.
I hope all the love we gave you weighed more than all the suffering you've had.

On days like this,
When I miss you so much
I want you to know that it also love that makes me cry;
And that this love is growing bigger, even when you're gone,
It just keeps growing deeper than my pain.

I love you, forever,
my sweet love,
our dearest boy,
our little angel.

[To our good boy, Jury. 🐾🤍🌈]
06/15/2026
11:04pm

07/04/2026

Life lately...

I have been holding out-
Alone
But steadily fine (not well, just fine)....

But then grief rewired me-
My emotions become louder and more complex.
My thoughts shift from the most positive to the other extreme.
My heart is whole but it keeps on breaking every single night-
I do get happy but sometimes guilt just strikes.

But grief also taught me few precious lessons.
It taught me how much I need people,
It showed me how necessary it is to build relationships,
And most importantly it helped me realize who would stay and who would not.
And thankfully, I found few who would choose to be there.
Because if I'd be alone I would definitely crumble.
There will be no way out of this darkness if nobody's going to be the light.
And that light has to be love.

I'm always a fan quiet love-
Not too much words and even too much actions.
Instead, something subtly but deeply present...
at all times.
But now I learned how it has to be intentional as well.
As I grow old, I am awakened that people only have a short time to live;
And also, a little energy to spare.
Now going out has to be intentional, even buying things, and definitely building and keeping relationships.

And so I remember a quote from one of my favorite books, The Little Prince:
"For instance, if you come at four in the afternoon, I'll begin to be happy by three. The closer it gets to four, the happier I'll feel".

In reality it is burdensome to handle relationships (especially for me).
Adults tend to be so busy and preoccupied.
There are things we need to prioritize because it is for survival-
To exaggerate, or maybe not?
It is a life and death matter.
If we stop working, wemight literally die.
If we become present,we lose time,
and time is money,
If we lose money, again, we might literally die.
But just like the fox and the little prince, we define our own special routines-
Dates we look forward to excitedly.
Things we dream to do leisurely.
And now I appreciate how these people would make time.
How they would spend energy in planning it and most importantly pushing through.
Despite everything or anything.
It is because they intend to be present.

Low maintenance relarionships?
Very practical.
Very quite love type of thing.
But if it is not intentional-
That is insulting enough.
It is a waste of time and energy.
It is not love.

How much did grief and the sadness it brought changed me?
I have so many moments when I hate myself for the loss because partly I also blame myself.
But these people who jntentionally keeps me help me get through.
I have so many moments when I wish the world would stop.
But these people who intentionally sit beside me quietly or sometimes loudly make me realize I should keep breathing-
be still or moving- as long as I'm breathing.
I have so many moments when I try so hard to walk this dreary path alone.
But these people who intentionally remind me they love me allow me to walk with them despite of the road being lonely, scary, and obscure.

All of it doesn't end the fact that I'm hurting.
No one knows how grief would hit you anytime or anywhere.
But it make me feel less lonely.
It help me feel alive.
It teach me to strive better to keep my commitment and also feel more free to accept the love they are giving.

How much have grief destroyed me?
It didn't.
Because everytime I fall apart the Lord would send these angels (I call them)
And their mere presence heal me
every single time.
Why?
Because I know it isn't coincidental.
It isn't convenient.
It isn't something squeezed in the busy schedule and half-meant commitment.
But because it is intentional.
To these people,
thank you for the quiet love.
It is too loud that the voices in my head get muted-
And I find serenity again.
I f ind life.
I find love.

11:46pm
04.07.2026

10/03/2026

I left my heart where you can't see...
So that at least on its death
It can be free

24/02/2026

Today your absence felt so heavy.

I see you in the places where you use to lie and play.
And that very clear image-
I wanted to turn into reality.

I miss hugging you.
I miss carrying you.
I miss watching you sleep.
I miss taking pictures of you.

I wish I can hold you again.
I wish I can stare at that cute and healthy baby again-
I miss you, our good boy.
I miss you a loooot.

It breaks my heart
and it feels like this pain is just growing bigger, deeper, and darker every day that passes.
It's like my heart has been counting the days since you were gone,
And on days like this
I couldn't help but cry.
There's no other way to hold you now
But I wish the heaven is listening,
And I wish you're one of those stars looking down here from above.

Would I still be able to meet you again?
In another life?
In another universe?

Until then...
I'll keep you in my heart.
🐾🪽🌈

23/02/2026

Sometimes it still feels like I'd still see you when I wake up in the morning-
wagging your tails,
staring with those loving eyes,
making soft noises;
Sometimes I still wish to hear you bark,
or hear your footsteps on the floor,
or just hear you sneeze or sigh;
Sometimes I still wish you'd come back home
As if you just went to see the vet,
Or just had you groomed;
Sometimes I still wish that losing you wasn't true
because it still breaks my heart
Every single day;
Sometimes I still blame myself,
I still feel like I didn't deserve you,
That maybe it have been best for you
if you had a better family.

But I still remind myself that I didn't love you less,
And I will never ever regret putting my heart into it.
It is painful...
I don't know how long it'll be this heavy,
But it is always worth it.
My life has never been the same since we had you,
And it will also be never the same since we lost you.

I love you always, our god boy.
I miss you always, my love, Jury.
🐾🪽🌈

11/02/2026

𝓘 𝓹𝓻𝓪𝔂 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓸𝓷𝓮 𝓭𝓪𝔂 𝓵𝓲𝓯𝓮 𝔀𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓰𝓮𝓽 𝓬𝓪𝓵𝓶𝓮𝓻...

That storms will never visit in my weakest moment,
That anxiety will never be more controlling than my will,
That sadness will never be bigger than joy,
That fear will never be as blinding as darkness,
That grief will never be too heavy to bear.

I don't pray for life to get easy.
But I pray that I will always see the light;
And if the path becomes difficult and dreary,
that I always remember where it will lead me;
And if my mind tells me to give up,
and my soul gets exhausted along the way,
that I always find an anchor to keep me steady.

But I know I have no control of life's natural course-
So I pray that the storms always remind me
That in the midst of it all-
no matter how strong,
no matter how frequent,
There is a God that holds me
And will never let go.

𝟿 𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚊𝚒𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚎, “𝙼𝚢 𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚞𝚏𝚏𝚒𝚌𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞, 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚖𝚢 𝚙𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚛 𝚒𝚜 𝚖𝚊𝚍𝚎 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚏𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚒𝚗 𝚠𝚎𝚊𝚔𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜.” 𝚃𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝙸 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚘𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚐𝚕𝚊𝚍𝚕𝚢 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚖𝚢 𝚠𝚎𝚊𝚔𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚜, 𝚜𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝙲𝚑𝚛𝚒𝚜𝚝’𝚜 𝚙𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚛 𝚖𝚊𝚢 𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚘𝚗 𝚖𝚎. 𝟷𝟶 𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚢, 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝙲𝚑𝚛𝚒𝚜𝚝’𝚜 𝚜𝚊𝚔𝚎, 𝙸 𝚍𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚒𝚗 𝚠𝚎𝚊𝚔𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚜, 𝚒𝚗 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚞𝚕𝚝𝚜, 𝚒𝚗 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚍𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚙𝚜, 𝚒𝚗 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚌𝚞𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜, 𝚒𝚗 𝚍𝚒𝚏𝚏𝚒𝚌𝚞𝚕𝚝𝚒𝚎𝚜. 𝙵𝚘𝚛 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸 𝚊𝚖 𝚠𝚎𝚊𝚔, 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸 𝚊𝚖 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚐. (𝙽𝙸𝚅)
𝟸 𝙲𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚊𝚗𝚜 𝟷𝟸:𝟿-𝟷𝟶

"𝙲𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚋𝚞𝚛𝚍𝚎𝚗 𝚞𝚙𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝙻𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙷𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚜𝚞𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞;
𝙷𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚎𝚘𝚞𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚜𝚑𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚗."
𝙿𝚜𝚊𝚕𝚖𝚜 𝟻𝟻:𝟸𝟸 (𝙽𝙰𝚂𝙱)

19/12/2025

Overall, this year was a lesson.
And lessons are also beautiful blessings.

This year taught me about rejection,
loss; and getting lost.
I never thought I could cry as much tears that I'd cried this year.
I have felt every piece of my heart, my soul, my whole being torn harshly,
pieces I've never known existed.
This year taught me about sad endings and endless zig-zag roads.

I wanted the world to stop; or at least, pause.
I wanted the world to slow down because I was already drowning.
I was very sure I have nowhere to go; I have nothing else to pursue;
and I have lost one reason to see life as beautiful.

But this year also taught me that God is real.
Imagine waking up in daze not knowing whether you are in reality or in a bad dream.
Imagine questioning yourself repeatedly of why bad things keep on happening.
I was slapped with the truth-
that I am still living;
that this is reality.
And for my questions-
There were no answers...
maybe.
And the only thing I can do was to surrender;
To trust God.
Because my vision is limited
while He can see throughout the very end.

This year also taught me who my real friends are.
The ones who cried with me,
the ones who read beyond my silence;
The ones who prayed for me.
They weep while my heart was breaking;
And they knew I needed them so badly even without me asking;
No matter how much I concealed how devastated I was-
They just knew, they remained silent too,
but their presence is one of the things that kept me going.

It will be a very unforgettable year,
not in a beautiful way that I wish it could be,
But the grace of the Lord helped me.
Yes, life is cruel.
But still life is beautiful.
And in His time I know good things shall come,
tears of pain and sorrow will stop from falling,
regrets and self-condemnation will soon vanish.
And life will be beautiful again.
Soon.
Life will be beautiful again.

P.s.
In memory of our beloved dog, Jury,
who was a very good boy until the end,
Our hearts are completely broken.
Every time we miss you we'd look back to those eight beautiful years you gifted us-
the feeling of warmth while hugging you;
your scent whenever we kiss you;
the sound of your little feet walking on the floor;
your cute sneeze, your sweet gaze,
the lively wagging of your tails,
the way you bark when you either want food or want to p*e, or just want attention...
We will remember every beautiful thing about you.
So that in our hearts, at least,
you are still alive.

Letting you go was so hard.
But God knows more than we do.
And now, you can be as free and as happy as you want.

We love you, Jury.
[Sept. 3, 2017-Nov. 22, 2025]

12.19.2025
10:36pm

17/10/2025

And there's always that soft whisper in your head, amidst all noise and chaos, that tells you, you want to stay alive... and in your own simplest way, just like wanting to eat tteokbokki for the day, you helped that soft whisper grow louder.... Rest well, Baek Se-Hee writer-nim. You fought well. And you taught us how to keep living. 🕊

A groundbreaking and truly inspiring writer, Baek Se-hee's plain-spoken honesty in 'I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki' opened up a vital global conversation about mental health.

She had the courage to speak up and share her darkness, and in doing so, she became a guiding light for countless others. While she may be gone, her journey of vulnerability will continue to be a source of comfort and support for readers across the globe.

13/10/2025

CONFESSION

it's an overwhelming river of thoughts of you
this feeling is absurd, it's all brand new
mix of emotions and imagination
lots of words that keep my hand in motion
scribbling trying to form a poem
because finally love found a home
shall i paint your face
with words i still have to retrace
for they've once lost their meanings
but became alive again in your being
shall i draw your prowess
i don't think i can express
there aint no word to match them
shall i just write an anthem
about your moves, your voice, your smile
it will only take a little while
but how do i arrange these
it's like i have to confess
the words are shuffled
i guess i already mumbled
saying a word isn't what i need
i'm giving you my heart instead

101317 6:04pm

13/10/2025

Heavenly Father,
it feels too much to bear.

Plunder and corruption,
earthquakes that shake our ground,
typhoons that tear through what’s left standing —
how much more, Lord?

Our hearts are weary,
our nation groans beneath the weight.
But still, we lift our eyes to You.

Have mercy on the Philippines, O God.
Breathe hope into the hopeless,
strength into the broken,
light into this long night.

Send help, Lord.
We have nowhere else to turn.

In Jesus name, Amen.