06/02/2026
Excerpt from my book "A Subtle Foe"
The thing about writing is, it flows as it flows. I am simply organizing the lunar sway (spiritus mundi) and the tide of thoughts and ideas it decides to deliver through me as a conduit.
I imagined that God speaks to me, saying simply, "I kept calling to you, and you did not come." And I answer quite naturally, "I couldn't until I knew there was nowhere else left to go." ~Florida Scott-Maxwell
As the disease worsened, I became confused more frequently, and when this happened, primordial fear seized the steering wheel. Emotional demons, (fear and paranoia), convinced me I could no longer trust anyone, (including myself). Nor was there any place, or anyone I could turn too. My condition quickly transformed into a pit of despair. It was a desperate condition marked by terror known as "the jumping off place."
Once one discovers he is in this mental state, it’s too late, for by now he has locked himself away in an inescapable psychological prison. The walls and bars made from emotions, and cemented in place by fear and panic. He is on the thinnest of ice, and his life will soon begin it’s graveyard spiral.
He will seek relief from all his old familiar places, substances, actions, and behaviors, but infuriatingly so, little relief is found. When I was in this condition, I recall that no matter how much I drank, snorted, popped, huffed, or shot, the only relief found was total oblivion. But with “oblivion,” also comes grave danger from every conceivable direction.
Exacerbating his plight, for one last time, he pulls himself up by his “bootstraps,” but, for the “real alcoholic” it is only a matter of time before the inevitable happens. Sadly, this fellow will never understand how or why, and even with the strongest of will and desire not to, he goes and does it again.
To make matters worse, standing by as armed guards are the emotional constructs he and his disease conjured from the abyss. They are the “Four Horsemen” Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair, and this loathsome foursome remain vigilant, thwarting any light from hope or love from passing their darkened picket lines. The riders will fight tooth and claw to keep this poor fellow confined to his hopeless and unfortunate situation.
At this moment, if one is ready to surrender, AND, if this time, one is truly beaten… many of us fell to our knees, uttering a desperate heart felt prayer…God!!! Please help me, PLEASE.
Unfortunately, far too many will not surrender, instead they drag out "denial" and continue down their personal road of destruction. A few eventually "see the light" however most do not....