01/13/2021
Today I am trying to do a fourth step for my gratitude list/rant. I don't really think I owe an apology to many people except some on this list, but I kinda hate myself for my role in these situations so I am going to express these amends in terms of why I am grateful rather than why I think I'm a piece of s**t or have cause to avoid addressing the people I am grateful to and would prefer to just stare at the ground and disappear into a hole, because I desperately want to learn to love myself and don't care if anyone wants to judge me apart from the people here who I hurt. I am incredibly grateful for my desire to not be addicted to opioids; I almost died probably at least a half dozen tines times between various overdoses and endocarditis. I am also grateful to Romy, my girlfriend for staying in a relationship with me and allowing me to when she probably shoulda dropped my triffling ass like a bad habit when I was trying to be both polyamorous and monogamous but was deceitful although I initially tried to be vague about the nature of things ahdmmbd she was very clear from the beginning about her desire for monogany but instead accepted that I was trying to be better for her and gave me the chance to prove it and also encouraged me to grow a relationship with my infant daughter as well who was a surprise to her. Thirdly, I am grateful that my daughter's mother allowed me to establish and foster a relationship with Ala, my daughter, who I initially was frightened to idk disappoint or let down, possibly related to the fact that my biological father was not in my life since his suicidal response to his mental health issues did not allow him to be there for me beginning in my infancy. I don't hate myself for this one, though I still feel some shame surrounding my initial behavior. I also treated Syd poorly when I was salvaging my relationship with my girlfriend so am especially grateful she encouraged me to foster a relationship with my daughter when telling me to f**k off might've been a more attractive. Maybe noone will read this, but I'm also grateful not to care too much. I'm trying to love ried my fourth step.
