10/02/2022
A letter to my inner child:
“Hey there little, it’s me; big. So here we are again huh? We’ve circled back around, to what feels like the same damn place. It’s feeling just like the old days, when we were inside those prison walls; inside the perfect house, with no escape; where everything looks pretty, but there’s blood dripping down the halls. I see you there, little. You’re all curled up and afraid. You’re scared, and your sadness has left you feeling hopeless. And I’m beating you up, cause you stayed. I’m so sorry, little. I’m so sorry that I’ve been so mean to you. You don’t deserve my hatred. You don’t deserve my abuse. I’m struggling with the future so much, and with the feeling of hopelessness, that somehow still remains. I’m sorry that I’m blaming this depression on you; on a past that neither one of us, can do anything to change. I know that this road is always shifting, but somehow, this pain feels the same. But it isn’t your fault; and it never ever was. You aren’t the one here, to blame. I don’t want you to feel this pain anymore. I don’t want you, to hold onto this shame. Let it go, little. Please let it go. Unclench your fists, and punch me if you have to. I can take it. Let me have it. I deserve much worse, from you. All you needed, was for someone to pick you up, and hold you safely in their arms. I know that it’s my job, to protect you. I know that it’s my privilege, to know, and to love you. I know that I owe you an explanation. I know that I owe you the truth. You have never failed me; not for one second. It is me, who is failing you. I’m so sorry, little. I’m trying so hard, to be the mom you never had. I’m trying to figure out the best way to keep fixing us; but I know you’re still angry, and sad. And you have every right to be. You have every right, to be angry at them, and at me. I haven’t been doing a good job lately, of protecting your precious heart. I’ve been parading your pain like some kind of victory; writing it and calming it, as art. As you just sit there, and shake your head in disbelief; as you lay there all alone, trying not to fall apart. I know that I’m not being fair to you. You are only a little girl. You deserve to feel cherished, and safe, and loved. You deserve every good thing, in this world. I’m so sorry for the crappy hand, that you’ve been dealt. And I’m even more sorry, that I have dismissed your pain at times; that I’ve let you down, just like everyone else. I know that I can do better. I know that I owe you so much more. I want to be a safe place for you; to be the love, you’ve been searching for. Please, little. Please open up the door. Please try to let your guard down again, so that I can heal this pain, once more; on a deeper level, than before. You are the very best part of me. It is because of you, that we survived. You found the strength to save us somehow. You gave us our wings, to fly. We will make things better. Together, we can. Your fearlessness, is the song that I sing. I’m so sorry, that I’ve been letting you down. I love you, my little. Love, big.”
-Little girl speak
