05/12/2026
Yesterday I posted this prompt:
What have I been holding that I haven’t said out loud?
I asked that you set a timer for 10 minutes and write unedited, uninterrupted, unfiltered.
Next, take a moment to reread what you wrote, and consider what you noticed in your body as you read it. Note any surprises, any Revelations you had during the free right. I promise to post my responses unedited and raw. Below is what I wrote.
I'd love to hear your responses! Please share yours in the comments. You can also repost the prompt with your reply on your page and post the link here so we can read it.
What have I been holding that I haven’t said out loud?
I've been holding a lot that I haven't said out loud. First of all being a mother and a wife and a daughter is f****** torture! at 60 I want to eat what I want or not eat. I want to clean up and have stuff be exactly where it is supposed to be 4 days later. if I don't want to shower I don’t want to have to shower and not have to worry about being stink around someone else LOL
next on the list? while I'm very grateful that the universe heard the argument that made me get pi**ed off and scream out loud I want a job so that a mother f****** can never talk s*** to me again about not having a job, I wish it would have heard me when I said I need a creative fellowship or grant that will allow me to write at least for one year uninterrupted. that means writing with my sister circle. that means doing my work books and journals. that means just going in my office and writing writing writing! the day I said the thing about the job, within a week I had one. I've been asking for a creative Grant for years.👀
I realized that I’ve spent in an inordinate amount of time trying hard not to be like my mother and my auntie - so much so that sometimes I forget to be like me - whoever that is. as I begin to come into myself, I try not to look back in regret at the fact that while I was rebelling against a trait that managed to shine through anyway, I missed out on some golden opportunities to explore my deeper being by letting certain attributes possessed by my mama and my auntie be pushed down and suppressed. as I grow older, and I miss my auntie more and more I realize that was just f****** stupid and a leftover attitude from my teenage years.
speaking of my mama and my auntie. sigh. I have to embrace the fact that right now I'm wanting my auntie and as I begin to adjust to life without her I've also began to recall the times when she totally betrayed me or treated me like crap. when she created situations that required competition between me and my niece who is at the least 20 years my junior. I was so desperate and so needy when I first moved back home and they used it against me a lot.
Observations
In my rant, I noticed that I’m still struggling with the same identity issues that I’ve always been struggling with. I recently found and read a journal that I wrote in sporadically from 6th grade through 8th grade and in that journal I was talking about my auntie being mean my mama not being stable and how I just wished I could go away and start over damn. all of that appears in my 10 minute writing.
I am surprised that those things remain on top and I am happy that I now have tools to adjust, grow, and move through them. I'm going to keep writing. I'm going to keep dreaming of a creative Grant and keep looking and applying for Grants and fellowships. I'm going to continue to release the s*** that is stinking up my memory of my auntie and love on my mommy because she's 77 and she did the best she could with what she had to work with when I was growing up. We all had a fantasy parent. Some of us were fortunate enough to get the parent of our dreams, and others were not.
That’s all I got, and that is enough.
Join me on Substack:
https://open.substack.com/pub/terrilbailey/p/lets-get-intentional-about-this-reset?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2vshbb
