09/02/2026
Hey everyone, it’s Austin (Founder of Porch Pirates). I recommend reading this one.
Going from a few hundred online orders a month to thousands in a 60-day period tested us as a company and as a team in ways we could never have simulated.
In a very short period of time, we’ve built entirely new systems, rebuilt our website around what our customers actually need, hired and trained new people, and stress-tested nearly every part of our supply chain and customer support operation.
And we’ve learned a lot.
As a leader, one of the best parts of this experience has been getting to speak directly with so many of you. I’ve learned why you love mystery boxes, heard what we could do better, and watched your feedback turn into actual changes to our products and processes.
For those of you who have been extraordinarily patient with us, we’ve handed out a LOT of discounts, gift cards and freebies along the way.
And here’s a milestone I’m particularly proud of:
As of yesterday, the majority of our order volume is coming from RETURNING customers. ❤️🏴☠️
Think about that for a second.
A company with fewer than 15 people has tackled more than 6,000 orders in roughly two months.
That same team handles sales, marketing, retail, wholesale, customer support, manufacturing, IT, legal, affiliates, philanthropy and everything else required to keep this pirate ship moving.
Offering mystery boxes online starting at just $29.95, while also offering customers an exchange policy, is practically unheard of in this industry.
Thanks to our loyal Pirates, “unheard of” is quickly becoming our specialty.
Now I’m going to be a little more blunt than usual, because there’s something else I want to address.
Since reopening online sales in May, we’ve had the privilege of working with more than 10,000 people.
Roughly 9,900 of you have been absolutely splendid.
Seriously. ❤️
Then there’s a very small group that has crossed a completely different line.
And I want to be clear about what I mean.
I’m NOT talking about someone who is frustrated because their order took too long.
I’m not talking about someone who didn’t like what they received.
I’m not talking about a damaged item, a misunderstanding about how mystery boxes work, or even someone who got angry with us.
Those are normal customer-service issues. Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes customers are understandably frustrated. Our job is to fix those situations.
I’m talking about behavior that has absolutely nothing to do with normal customer dissatisfaction.
Our employees have been called racial slurs.
We’ve had people demand thousands of dollars in free merchandise.
We’ve had individuals demand guaranteed high-value prizes and threaten negative reviews if we refused to “rig” their boxes.
We’ve had people repeatedly spam unrelated posts rather than simply contacting us through customer support.
And, most seriously, we’ve dealt with attempts to publish personal information belonging to members of our team, followed by harassment directed at those individuals.
That is where the line is.
If you’re upset with us, tell us.
If we screwed something up, tell us.
If your box is late, something arrived broken, you don’t understand something, or you simply think we could have done better, tell us.
We will help you.
But abusing employees, threatening people, attempting to expose their personal information, extorting free merchandise, or deliberately interfering with our business is not criticism.
And we aren’t going to ask our employees to tolerate it.
To be clear, even if someone behaves terribly, we’re still going to resolve any legitimate customer-service issue they have. We’re not sending anyone a “revenge box.” 😂
But once the issue is resolved, we reserve the right to say:
Thanks, but you can’t shop with us anymore.
That also means removal from our social media communities and ineligibility for our new influencer and affiliate programs.
Which brings me to influencers.
We do not care how many followers you have.
I’d rather work with a creator who has 3,000 followers and genuinely loves mystery boxes than someone with 1 million followers who expects us to put a Louis Vuitton bag or MacBook in every box they film.
Our philosophy is simple:
Show people what customers can ACTUALLY receive.
We want smaller and emerging creators. We want authentic reactions. We want people building their UGC portfolios and audiences alongside us.
And we’re willing to give those creators free products and some of the most competitive affiliate compensation we can offer because we’d rather invest in genuine people than manufacture fake reactions.
We are very aware of how parts of this industry operate.
We’re choosing a different path.
That decision hasn’t always made everyone happy.
Over the last several weeks, we’ve observed unusual patterns of activity involving a relatively small number of accounts, including concentrated negative posting and complaints occurring within unusually short periods of time.
For perspective, Porch Pirates received zero BBB complaints between April and July.
Then we received 31 complaints within approximately 72 hours at the beginning of August.
That’s unusual enough that we took it seriously.
Rather than fighting about it on Facebook, we’ve preserved the relevant records and are reviewing the circumstances surrounding that activity. Where we believe conduct crosses from legitimate criticism into unlawful harassment or interference, we’ll handle that through the appropriate channels.
And that’s really all I intend to say publicly about that.
Because 100 difficult interactions shouldn’t define what more than 9,900 other people have helped us build.
You guys have turned a little Kentucky mystery-box company into something much bigger than we anticipated, much faster than we anticipated.
Growing this quickly hasn’t always been pretty.
We’ve made mistakes.
We’ve gotten behind.
We’ve learned some lessons the expensive way.
But we’ve also shipped thousands of boxes, hired people, improved our products, rebuilt systems that couldn’t keep up, given emerging creators opportunities, and watched thousands of customers come back and order again.
We’re still learning.
We’re still improving.
And we’re still here.
To the overwhelming majority of you who have supported us, challenged us constructively, given us patience when we needed it and celebrated with us when we got it right:
Thank you.
You guys are the reason we’re building this thing. ❤️🏴☠️
