05/28/2025
From Dark To Now…
In the quiet slow moments of this life I wonder how many years we’ll be blessed with Cody.
I wonder if he’ll grow old as we age or if his life will be shorter because he has autism.
Cody works so much harder than the average person and I often wonder if his body will be able to keep up longterm. He’s never not chattering or moving and it has to be exhausting on the body.
Today I sat and watched and listened — a tear found it’s way down my cheek — my son was sitting and attending AND answering AND participating. I am so very proud and every single thing we’ve done and continue to do was all worth it!
I can tell you in the beginning during the hard part of autism I would have never put those words down on paper. I hated everything about autism and how hard it made our life and how we had to plan and always have a Plan B when everything failed.
I was tired and frustrated all the time. Cody was melting down daily for hours because he couldn’t communicate.
I would self medicate most nights.
I remember wanting to run away. I didn’t know what or how to help my son.
I remember the meltdowns lasting hours … I would sit against his wall and watch a little boy thrash his body screaming and pulling things over. I sat and kept him safe grabbing things he might harm himself with.
Sitting with tears while watching my sweet boy in such distress is something you never really forget.
The years provide a sort of cloudy memory providing some solace but the real trauma leaving scars that are hard to explain if you’ve never lived it.
Trauma is something that affects the whole family and some will carry that with them forever.
The way it affects everyone will be different. A sibling may worry about having children of their own. This is a heavy load to bear.
Unfortunately, not everyone is equipped for this life … right or wrong doesn’t even play into it. Just a fact.
Today years later I can tell you I’m in a different place… a place I didn’t know existed — a place of calm and clarity.
This place I have learned to exhale and believe for a better life for our family and my son.
I don’t even know when crossing over to this calm place came about … years of work and dedication and love and now we’re here in that place we all long to be. I am grateful.
Whatever I may have lost in this journey I gained more. I see clearly now and I understand so much.
I wonder how long we’ll be blessed to have this amazing soul to learn from but mostly I marvel in his abilities daily and he is the light in my darkest days.
