02/01/2026
Hey BRB family.
I owe you an explanation, and I want to be real with you.
I originally stepped back the week before Christmas very intentionally. Losing my stepdad in June hit me harder than I ever expected, and going through all of the “firsts” without him, especially the holidays, was something I did not handle well. While the prior 2 years were without him by my own choosing, this was the first time I didnt have that control or option. I praise God for giving back some of the time that was missed. It was my biggest blessing of 2025!! A piece of me that was broken was mended through him. But still the grief, anxiety, and depression slowly piled up, and I honestly underestimated how much it was affecting me. By October, I could feel it. Not just in my everyday life, but in the business too. I could see it in my motivation, my energy, my consistency, and eventually in my finances. The numbers never lie. Since the beginning of BRB in June of 2022 I had been present, active, on point. Until….I wasn’t. The disappointment was deafening. Yes, I know I explained that during a live at the end of 2025 and I know I apologized, because I truly hated that it spilled over (that I allowed it) into something I care so deeply about.
I genuinely believed that taking that short break around Christmas would help me reset mentally. Not magically fix things…but help me pull myself together enough that if I was struggling, it would stay in my personal life and not continue bleeding into the business. I didn’t want a repeat of how the end (or any) of 2025 felt, and I truly thought stepping back briefly was the healthiest solution to move onward and upward. What I didn’t expect was that more would happen. I didn’t expect that break to turn into an extended absence with no clear end in sight. And I won’t lie, that alone has added another layer of stress. Watching the business take a hit financially only fueled more anxiety, more depression, and more fear, even though my intentions were good and rooted in trying to do better. On top of all of that, January came fast. I was supposed to start school on January 5th, and on January 11th my oldest left for Fort Knox for six months. I wanted the break also to serve as a way to be fully present with my family during that time, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, while I still could.
Then 2026 decided to hit hard.
Right at the beginning of the new year, I woke up with severe eye pain. That pain turned into intense pressure in both eyes, and then I started losing my vision. My extremities were constantly falling asleep. I was dizzy. Couldn’t find words that were on the top of my tongue. I went to urgent care, bounced between eye doctors, and eventually hospitalized. The hospital believed I was actively having strokes. I had three MRIs, two CT scans, ultrasounds, days on a heart monitor, and what felt like endless testing. They did find a spot on my brain and a questionable artery in my neck. Praise Him they are not considered immediately dangerous, however they will eventually need to be monitored. And the spot on my brain is what they believe to be the cause of migraines. The biggest concern/issue has been my eyesight. I am still losing vision. As of yesterday, I have almost completely lost vision on my right side. My left side is blurry with tunnel vision, but I can still see. I am not completely blind, but it is very difficult to function, and the pain in my eyes is constant. I spend a lot of time with my eyes closed because it hurts to keep them open. Some doctors believe this could be stress related or psychosomatic. (Considering the circumstances, I wouldn’t doubt it.) Others disagree and want more testing. I still have a long list of specialists to see once weather and scheduling allow.
Through all of this, I’ve had to put school on hold, which broke my heart after being so excited to start. My son is at Fort Knox and doing well, but my mom heart is struggling. Financially, the strain has been overwhelming, and trying to survive while medically unstable has been terrifying. The anxiety and depression have been relentlessly knocking at the door!
Main point: I want to be very clear. I have not quit Backroad Bids, and I do not plan to. This community is family to me. But I am trying to figure out what this looks like moving forward, because David and I need steady income, and right now I don’t have clear answers.
At the end of the day, the important takeaway is, I am okay. I am alive. I am worn down, scared at times, and honestly pretty depressed. But Jesus loves me, my family has been holding me up, and I believe we will make it through this, even if I don’t yet know how or when. And please, don’t take this as another excuse, a “poor pitiful me” pity party, (I have had PLENTY of those on my own time.) or me asking for money, assistance, or anything other than what this is. An answer! A true, sincere, and honest answer. It may not be much but this is the answer I have to give. I haven’t ignored anyone or forgotten my BRB family. If you ever want to message me, please send a voice message so I can respond. I’m using voice to text for most things right now, and technology has truly been a lifesaver.
Thank you for the grace, patience, prayers, and love you’ve shown me. I feel it, even on the hardest days.
I’m still here 🤍
