11/01/2026
One of the most misunderstood ideas about parenting is that a good parent must always make a child happy. We negotiate, explain, accommodate and sometimes surrender decisions simply because we don’t want to upset our children. But at what point does the desire to keep them happy begin to interfere with our responsibility to raise them well?
That is the uncomfortable question at the heart of The Collapse of Parenting by Dr. Leonard Sax.
Sax argues that modern parenting has undergone a troubling shift: parents are gradually surrendering their authority, while children are increasingly looking to their peers, popular culture and social media for direction. What looks like freedom, he suggests, can sometimes leave children without the guidance they desperately need.
Here are five ideas that stayed with me:
1. Your child’s friend is not your primary role as a parent.
Sax challenges the growing tendency of parents to prioritise friendship over authority. Children need affection, trust and understanding, but they also need adults who can make difficult decisions, establish boundaries and say no when necessary. Being loved by your child is important; being responsible for your child is even more important.
2. Giving children choices does not mean giving them control over everything.
There is a difference between teaching children to make decisions and making them responsible for decisions they are not mature enough to handle. Children need room to grow, but they also need guidance. Freedom without the capacity to manage it can become a burden rather than a privilege.
3. The family must compete with the influence of the outside world.
Children are constantly learning from friends, entertainment, influencers and social media. If parents withdraw from their responsibility to teach values and acceptable behaviour, someone else will fill that space. The question is whether those influences will teach what parents would want their children to learn.
4. Discipline is not the opposite of love.
One of the book’s strongest arguments is that children need both warmth and authority. Setting limits, insisting on responsibility and correcting unacceptable behaviour are not necessarily signs of harsh parenting. Sometimes, the most loving decision is the one your child will not appreciate at the moment.
5. Character matters more than the appearance of success.
We spend considerable energy worrying about grades, schools, achievements and future careers. But are we paying equal attention to humility, self-control, respect and responsibility? A child can excel academically and still struggle with the qualities that make a dependable adult.
What makes this book worth reading is that it forces parents to examine a difficult possibility: we can give our children everything they ask for and still fail to give them what they need.
Sax’s arguments deserve critical examination, particularly where his observations about American society are applied to other cultures. But his central question is worth taking seriously: if parents are no longer willing to provide direction, who is raising the children in their place?
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