08/02/2026
Residents were left confused this morning after newly translated scrolls claimed local tattoo artist Gary Noriyuki is celebrating his 777th birthday this week. According to the documents, he was abducted as an infant from a Krishna monastery by a ninja-trained raccoon during the Great Civil War after his evil father sealed an ancient demon inside the child. The prophecy warned that extraterrestrial invaders would one day descend upon Earth, but the demon would ultimately become humanity’s only hope. Archaeologists have declined to comment after multiple raccoons were observed standing on two legs near the excavation site before disappearing into the woods.
As far as you know, this is simply one of the many talents of tattoo artist Gary Noriyuki, who is currently tattooing and accepting appointments throughout the month of August at Phoenix Ink Tattoo in Southington, Connecticut. Authorities continue to advise the public not to make eye contact with unusually disciplined raccoons until further notice.