02/08/2026
Malema Says He Doesn't Like Being Called a Boy
PRETORIA – EFF leader Julius Malema has reportedly issued a stern warning ahead of any possible appearance before the Madlanga Commission, saying he refuses to be called "a boy" under any circumstances.
Speaking to reporters, Malema allegedly clarified that he has no problem answering difficult questions. His only concern is hearing someone begin a sentence with, "Now listen here, boy..."
"The hearing will end immediately," he reportedly said. "I'll answer every question, but if anyone calls me 'boy,' I'm requesting a new commissioner and emotional damages."
According to insiders, the commission has already distributed a 47-page handbook titled Approved Ways to Address Julius Malema.
The handbook reportedly bans phrases such as:
"Boy."
"Young man."
"My child."
"Son."
"Champ."
"Buddy."
Instead, commissioners have allegedly been advised to use safer alternatives such as "Honourable Commander-in-Chief of Answering Questions" or simply "Sir, Please Don't Shout."
One commissioner admitted he has been practising introductions in front of a mirror.
"I've rewritten my opening statement twelve times," he sighed. "At this point I'm just going to say, 'Good morning... you.'"
Meanwhile, Parliament's language experts have reportedly been placed on standby in case anyone accidentally says, "Good boy," after Malema answers a question correctly.
Furniture stores also claim they have received enquiries from government asking whether they sell witness chairs that "don't look like they belong in a principal's office."
South Africans wasted no time joining the joke online.
One commenter suggested the commission should begin every hearing by asking, "Before we start, what would you like to be called today?"
Another proposed that witnesses wear personalised name tags reading, "Hello, please don't guess."
At the time of publication, the Madlanga Commission had reportedly replaced every occurrence of the word "boy" in its building with the phrase "highly respected fully-grown individual" just to avoid any unnecessary drama.
Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. It is entirely fictional and intended for humour. While inspired by real public statements, the events and quotes in this article are made up.
